Questioning my Good Sense


Why the hell did I do that?

I don’t understand how I could have thought it was a good idea to bid on a 31-foot class A RV. IMG_4639.jpg

Why was my thinking so far off?  I liked the huge front windshield looking over everyone with a clear view ahead, and it looks really nice inside, roomy..32 feet. But it left out any information of the inner workings, the motor, the tires, generator, battery.  so much left out should have been a cautionary note that I missed.

I’ve been looking for a rig of about 20 feet or less so I can feel confident in my ability to drive it.

I know this.

Yet I bid $9,200  or so and no one outbid me. I’m trying to understand what prompted me to make a bid when the item was impossible for me to drive and I am not ready to start living in an RV.  My sister says it reminds her of when I called her to tell her I’d shaved my head.  I had to live with that for a long time., and it still gets referenced.  They think I’m goofy but I was taking Ambien at the time and one does strange things in their sleep while under its influence.

Could this new life adventure, living full time in a van be another goofiness?  I’m not taking medication that would account for any goofiness.

But as I think about this I remember another time when my behavior could have been the  result of  medication…which I still take. The literature noted that one could have unusual behavior and could take risks  or start gambling I was very sensual and even  inappropriate, but to be very honest I had a great time, to the embarrassment of some.    Nothing wrong with a 65 year old woman feeling sensual lI’ll remember those days with fondness and without embarrassment.) and a little sad that time has past.

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How did I let this happen?

Is it too late to be making a plan?

Finally starting to think about my later years

I know what I’ll do during my 75th,

I’ll be making plans

Who will I be in this next phase,

Will I  bring anything of value to another person,

What are my options.

And why did I let this happen to me?  Never thought I’d be single at this age but divorces are a step into the unknown.  I haven’t made any effort to find a new love or husband,  I’m a happy single, That is not my goal, I’ve been a resource for my kids when they needed me.  They need to be my resource now.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say, I never wanted a long life. And suddenly now I’m 75 Amazes me how did that happen!!   And if I do live long I hope to be functioning at a high level and then drop dead…the wish of all us oldsters.  No pain no drama just be here one day and gone the next.

What will you be remembered for?

Notes on Mourning,

Different cultures mourn in different ways.  In Panama, I noted that there are certain guidelines (mostly from the ‘church) on the wearing of black, then purple and finally white clothes over a specific time frame to indicate the stage of mourning.  If you wear black it is assumed you are in mourning even if you just like your little black dress. I wore a black dress because I liked it and was asked several times ‘who died’

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I may be back in another lifetime to work out whatever problems I’ve caused in this lifetime.  I need to do better to improve my karma

I keep my Buddha close to remind me to be kind in any situation. The only words of wisdom I’ve learned these many years, (and not always been true to myself,)  are just three words.

Just Be Kind. 

Feeling Stuck, Guess I’ll organize my Paint

I know what I need to do  but I’m having trouble getting things done, or doing things that have no relationship to what needs doing.

I have four 20 x 20 inch good canvases that I should paint something fantastic on but I’m afraid I’ll make a mess so I haven’t even tried to paint anything on them, instead I spend time organizing my paints.  My studio is a mess so I’m sure that will be my next project  wasting  time  before getting started painting.

I  need to watch some videos to get ideas to find my way back into a painting.  The whole moving plan has my mind distracted from the steps I need  to have a successful  move, a successful future on the road.

I’m assuming you know about my plan to buy an rv and live in it blissfully making my way around the country side selling my art…tailgateart, here and there now and then and forever thankful for the idea that could work for me and my old age life.

I”ll start making lists, it’s so nice to be able to scratch them off as they are completed. I feel very excited about my new life plan and wish I had everything ready now but it looks like I won’t be able to go forward until May.  Meanwhile I need to sell some paintings . And make prints to sell. And take my stuff to the market to sell.  And add photos of my work to our neighborhood news.

One unsettling problem I’ve had is that my computer died and took along with it my photos    Some but not all I’ve found in the cloud and can use them for prints, but the separate  albums I”d make of family and friends is gone.    I have an external hard drive but honestly I don’t know how to use it, everyone says just plug it in, but how to I know what is happening.  I bought a refurbished MacBook  so I’ll try to see what is on the hard drive using this newish computer.

Late note

Another failure computer wise, can’t find my pictures on the external disc, says I have no permission to see what’s there.  I tried to correct permissions but couldn’t.   Guess I’ll go organize my paint .IMG_3507.jpgIMG_3512.jpg