Writing Daily, doesn’t mean You need to Read me Daily but………

I’ve decided writing daily is a way to help myself find and remember my words, think my thoughts and  spell my words.  It’s therapy for me and may be interesting to you to understand me, a 75 year old solo woman on a mission to understand herself, choices I’ve made and  the changes that happen related to  growing old.

When I started thinking about this living option I was asked what I would do if I got sick.  I only have one health problem and whether it happens while on the road or at ‘home’ the treatment is the same, rest, diet and meds.  Same here or there.

Going on the road  has given me ample  topics to write about of interest to a few who stop by here to read my  words, I thank you but I am warning that the goal  for me is to write, even when I’m boring I will keep writing. I hope you will keep reading because it’s encouraging for me to see the stats and responses of my readers

Ciao312552_2332349117796_7277904_n

Ponderings

So what do we think of my helpful neighbor?

His RV is separate from his truck so he can get out and about without his RV trailing behind him and he has taken me several times to see the area and go shopping.

He has offered to help me with many issues on the RV but I’ve been procrastinating to get started, though he has already started to pound out some dents and I’m hoping to get some parts and doors replaced so my GG doesn’t look like she belongs to chusma!

I’m  pretty sure I can trust him, he’s open and tells me of his life and plans, doesn’t ask about mine and I don’t offer much. But I appreciate his help and I think he is ‘a good guy’  I did wonder about my trust (briefly) in a stranger and going off with him to see old roads and me without even my phone as protection, but I don’t think he has any intention to harm me, he’s been nothing but respectful and kind. I can accept his help.(besides I have taken the sim card out of my phone and into my ipad so I can work online whereverI couldn’t have called for help anyway!

I’m having mañana feelings (I’ll think about it tomorrow) and wondering if I should stay here for several months to save money. I’m thinking that I may not find another perfect place if I leave and my space might not be available if I want to come back here. I’m more likely to get help on the RV here where I can trade services with AC .

I  want to go to Arizona for the yearly RTR in January, where all these RVer’s ( many thousands) get together to promote a sense of community and learn from each other.I’m not a fan of crowds but I just want to be there once to experience it and maybe meet some of the people I’ll been following on utube.

And the question of ‘living off the grid’ vs in a park with hookups has make me think, why go without electric and water when you can have all for $150/month plus electric? Of course you are crowded right next to the next rv in a line. (It’s definetly not camping as we think of camping. Where I am the spaces are comfortably big) While boondoggling camping without hook ups, electric, water and sewer, you can go where ever you want on public lands without costing much and having little to no services.

It’s an adventure not experienced  in RV campgrounds and depends on how you wish to experience your ‘freedom.’ Most boondogglers go to a camp to refill their water and empty the tanks every week or two then back out to public lands.
Well, I didn’t start this to be stuck in a lineup of RV’s anywhere so I’ll probably leave here in late January and figure it out then. Being here until then is a good transition for me to correct some problems I have with the RV.

The JOY of absolute freedom and not being responsible for anyone else has an upside and downside. It may be selfish, I know there will come a time that self satisfaction may not be all I need and I will need to be responsible for someone or something more than myself. I know this is true.

I’m pretty sure I’ll find a project, or maybe I’ll be able to get the dog I want to give it a good life. I tried to get one in Austin where they are sponsoring retired greyhounds but wasn’t able because they had not gotten my application, my fault, I didn’t send it correctly in an email and they didn’t have more than one ready for adoption. It’s along way back to Austin but a greyhound is a perfect travel companion as they like to sleep and surprisingly don’t require much exercise or take up much space.

It’s so Windy I’m Glad I’m not Driving Anywhere Today in my RV

IMG_0013

Wind is a great danger for RV’s semi’s and other big rigs. As I sit  here I can feel my RV moving in the wind side to side.  Makes me feel top-heavy and insecure.  I would pull over and stop driving if I was traveling. I looked to see how windy it is, 25 miles/hour now.

It’s a pernicious wind whipping around me filling the air with noxious elements, time to avoid the great outdoors. My inside wind chimes , my hanging wire basket and my hanging mugs are all moving in the wind, the chimes sound with each burst of wind and then its quiet until another burst of wind.  I like the sound.

A neighbor offered to take me to do some Wal-Mart shopping today.  I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to say no thanks so I went.  Me being passive.

I should be OK food wise for about a month, if my fridge keeps working as well as it is  on propane, I bought a bit of frozen foods but forgot the fly swatter, I have two flies tormenting me.

I bought tater tots because I’m reminded that my grandson Evan loves tater tots, I’d never bought tater tots before but looking at them reminds me of Evan, and I bought them, now when I bake them I’ll think of Evan.  I haven’t tested the oven yet but now I will.  Do you do that?  Find something you had not thought to buy  but this item reminds you of something or someone and you must have it, not for the item  itself but for the memory it offers.

I think my neighbor has my tomatoes.

I’m suffering from my fall of the other day, stiff neck and headache so according to TCM I have excessive wind syndrome,  Appropriate  right? I smell like the tiger balm I have on my neck and am using a heating pad while trying to hit the trigger points with the eraser of a pencil.  My head  and shoulder took the brunt of the impact. It hurts.

Some days I have nothing to say, my mind feels empty and lazy and I can’t spell worth a damn, but this is why I insist to write every day about something or even nothing but to fill this space, maybe I’ll develop a pattern of thoughts that I can express clearly in time, and some one will want to read it.

But my goal is to write, not to be read.

 

Close Encounters

It looks very nice inside but the information on it is very scant.  Does it need new tires?  Does it even run?  Questions to consider before hitting the bid button.
‘reserve not made’
It’s my only hope
Please someone bid higher than $9,200 I need to be outbid  before 11 hours when the bidding is over.
What was I thinking?
Was it the wine
31 feet,
I’ll be  on pins and needles until bidding is over in 11 hours.
I suppose if I  back out of this situation  ( or even be able to back up this rig, ) they won’t let me bid anymore,
E bay will be mad  the owner will be mad and I’m mad at myself.
I’d never bid or even  been on the E bay site  before my MacBook Pro died  and I needed a computer  I bought my MacBook refurbished on E-bay I didn’t know that the back light on the keys made such a difference and sent it back for a new MacBook Air, it’s fine but has a cheap cord. que pasa con Apple??
I saw where another woman, older than I, who bought her rig on E bay site unseen and is very happy with her choice.  Don’t know what her family thought about that, I’m pretty  sure what mine would think, I hope I never have to tell my kids about this,  I don’t think they read here.so I may get away with this  situation. .It would reinforce their concerns about my ability to manage living alone and driving  a RV.
I have a surprise for them,  I may not be alone.  Now  it would be nice if  it was a big strong man traveling with me to do all the tough stuff but no, she is a strong woman with whom I may be sharing the tough stuff.  She is my adventure seeking sister in-law who loves  nature, is up to take a  road less traveled,  is strong and is in the same financial situation I’m in.  Not a good place to be in at our age, life happens and here we are in a difficult pocket of time. ( not sure what that means but I like how it sounds.)
Finding a situation where there are 2 comfortable sleeping areas is a concern.  Two woman traveling together, living together need some separation and privacy but these RV’s are not made for 2 people who are not sleeping  in  the same bed.

OMG my bid has been removed and I am no longer responsible for this 31 foot  home.  Help has arrived! I thank the dealer who forgave me, he even thanked me for letting him know there was a problem.  The problem being me. I told a lie I must admit, I accused my batty Mother of making this ridiculous order, I have to watch her every moment!

 

The Big Picture of 2 years ago has Changed Haleluya (maybe not so much)

Being unable to see advantages in doing one thing versus another,

Being unable to see the big picture,

Being unable to hold a memory or thought  one moment to the next.

Difficulty completing a task and flipping from one project to another not completing one before starting another.

And spelling is just ridiculously difficult.

Sometimes my fingers know which key to type  before my thought processes engage so I let my fingers type the words while trying not to think too hard and confuse my fingers.

Am I worried about this situation?

Yes

I’m 73 and is general good health with the usual complaints of this age and one difficult problem I generally keep under control.  I could live many more years! MRI of my brain indicate nothing unusual happening there. I knew that.

I’m about to  improve my social skills with my pending move from one state to another.  I’ll get some adult social stimulation  to get  those ‘oh so important’ brain synapses processing properly. I haven’t done well socializing where I live now, no new friends or groups .  Socializing,  exercise , writing here regularly , all good when actually done rather than just thinking about doing.

I must do better,     FFA-A-0054

I can do better.

I will do better.

There is dementia in the family history.

This is a major social problem, some people  live too long and wear themselves out, the body lasting nearly intact while the frontal lobe shrinks and dies.

If it was just the spelling it wouldn’t be a big problem dictionaries have the spelling, but it’s finding the words to use is a huge problem. Can’t spell a word you can’t find, can’t express yourself without the proper words.

And so it goes. For two years and then the picture changes  and I go on the road.

Hello Old Lady of the Mirrors

IMG_5575

As we age,  do we look,  feel and act differently to ourselves than we did when younger?

Do we have less expectations of ourselves as we get older.?

I asked my Mother and an Aunt, both in their late 80’s if they felt or thought any different compared to their younger selves and both said no, they felt just as they always have.

Dumb question, right answer

I’ve wondered about it because I’m not sure I could answer the same.

I sometimes feel myself diminished by my age.

I hope it is a passing artifact of life’s changes, surely I  am a reasonable woman with a healthy respect for aging, even my own.

But I greet that old woman in the mirror with a surprised smile, Hello old lady in the mirror  and I put my teeth in my mouth,  dentures being another thing we don’t talk about even early in the morning.

I sometimes have trouble finding myself.

Who am I now in this phase of life, no longer a nurse, no longer a spouse, a mother not needed and even in the way, without lover or friend.

A time to contemplate and refresh, but I find myself filling my hours with busyness.

I like making, but is it an escape from thinking  and making decisions? I need a plan.

I will find a plan,

a passion

I have a comfortable space with no real problems but those I invent in my mind.

Torn between staying in my comfort zone or reaching out for more, more opportunity more social interaction, more satisfaction, or remain where I am, where I can help my  family  while my soul dies quietly in the basement,

 

I Loved Him for a Moment

I loved him for a moment until the common senses arrived.

walk behind me he said, you will be safe there.

why are you walking behind him they asked

because he asked me to, to be safe

you are a fool, he wants to control you, not  protect you

I know, said I with a foolish smile

How can you think you love him

he is not appropriate for you

He will hurt you

But it was only for a moment

How can he hurt me

He is far away and he has no will to hurt me.

He will hurt your heart

your dignity

He will ask much and give little

yet I do not step away from heart-break.  IF  my heart is broken

it means I have felt love, the most beautiful pain of all

Renounce a love that might have been fearless

is to be a coward, afraid to love

Who are you

Have you never been struck by unsuspected love

Even for a moment?

Be fearless and grab for heartbreaking love

It’s the only way a heart can be broken yet heal to love again.

 

 

 

Get Old become an Inconvenience

Get old become an inconvenience

My mind feels heavy, sluggishly languishing here  empty

my thoughts have no weight to  hold them in

they are forgotten before they  are recognized,

lost in the  void that is  my mind with no exit,

To embrace only half a thought is useless to me,

Get old become  an inconvenience .

 

 

Conversations with my Muse

CONVERSATIONS WITH MY MUSE

Do you think one can come to be so touched by words that a relationship is formed without knowing whose words they are?

I wonder because I feel energy in  these words  and I wonder if everyone who reads them words falls in love with the writer.

Or is it me?

Have I been aroused from my sleep to realize my days are getting shorter.               

Am I satisfied how I am living them,

Will I regret not reaching for more……..